Tick, tock...

I'm going to be 28 in about 3 weeks.

Something tells me that my husband and I need to get with the program in the child-bearing area.



I've been noticing that when I see people with babies, and I mean anyone--strangers...old college friends... I get a little jealous. I try to shake it off, and push that feeling away, but it doesn't go away. It just gets worse.

And then I start to think, "What if I can't have kids?" And then I get scared. And it sucks.

I've been losing sleep at night because of this whole train of thought. Not just the not being able to have kids part, but all of it. I mean, I have former students that have children. That makes me feel like I'm pushing 40, not 30. Friends of mine that are younger than me are having children. People that shouldn't reproduce under any circumstances are having children...and as much as I want to be truly, genuinely, through-and-through happy for them, no matter how hard I try, it's difficult because...I'm sad and a little jealous.

My brother met his wife at 19 and got married at 20. Their first child (of 4!) arrived just before their first anniversary. That was 10 years ago.

In the past 10 years, here's what I've done:

1. graduated college
2. got married
3. got a job
4. worked at 3 different schools, in 3 different counties, over the course of 4 years
5. earned 3 credits toward a Master's degree that I'll more than likely never get
6. got divorced
7. bought a house & moved into it and started my life over again
8. earned 3 more credits toward that Master's I'll more than likely never get
9. met my wonderful husband
10. married my wonderful husband

And as much as I love him, and my life, I want children. I love my job, and I love my students, but other people's children just aren't enough. I love my nieces and nephew more than they know, but I want us to have kids...

More than anything, I want to stay home and raise a family. It makes me sad that it's taking me this long.