I am tired. Flat out, no bones about it, just plain tired...in every sense of the word.

I'm tired of feeling like I'm unable to reach my potential (because I don't know what I want to be when I grow up); of not measuring up as the wife and mother I feel like I should be, but clearly am not; of trying to do things to better our situation but spinning my wheels and not making any progress...

I'm just...tired.

Back to the Drawing Board

Well, folks, after 3 months of absolutely no interest in our house, and a less-than-enthusiastic realtor, we've pulled it from the market. This is a wise decision for a few reasons. Not exactly what we want, but we don't always get our way, do we?

We initially listed it for $114,900, and dropped the price a few weeks ago to $107,900. Realistically, we cannot go any lower than that right now and expect not to pay anything out of pocket. Withdrawing the house gives us time to pay down the principal on the mortgage, which in turn will allow us to re-list it later at a more appropriate price for our area and potential buyers.
It also allows us time to make minor improvements, like paint inside, fix up the backyard a little, maybe fix the deck up a bit...and, it gives the housing market time to change for the better.

Yes, there is always the possibility that it will go south again (thank you, Obummer), but I will remain positive. As positive as I can.

Friends of mine, in a different town in a more affluent county than ours, listed their little house on Wednesday. They live in a beach community in Anne Arundel County. Today, they sold it. For $50k OVER their asking price.

At this point, it is extremely difficult to stay positive about selling our house. We desperately want to move to PA to be closer to his family, and have even considered letting the house go into foreclosure, just as a way to get out.

We'll probably wind up having to sell for $50k LESS than our asking price...

Please keep praying that something changes.

It's official!

Ok, dear reader, here it is: the MLS listing of our house!
The sign is in the yard, the listing is live in the system...now we just need a buyer and to walk away with no less than $108k, which will leave us free and clear of all debts tied to this house and the fees associated with selling it.

Please pray that the appraisal value is the same as it was when I bought it four years ago ($115k) and that we get a contract and subsequent settlement sooner rather than later. We're under contract with our agent until December 31. We'd like to be out of here sometime before fall.

I am confident that God will provide us with a buyer, and that He will make the next house attainable for us.

I can't believe we finally did it!

It is strange how we can become attached to a house, isn't it? The first time I moved (that I can actually remember), I was 20. My parents sold the house I had lived in since I was 6 months old, and moved to the next county over. I came home from school for a weekend, packed up my room, helped move, then went back to school that Sunday afternoon. While we loaded the last of the boxes into our cars and truck, I thought about the life I had inside those walls. I went back in to say goodbye to my home, and I cried. Just briefly...but I cried. The local area's rising crime rate, for a few moments, didn't matter. Greener pastures didn't matter. I was saying goodbye to the place that helped mold me. That is what mattered for those few moments.

Fast-forward 4 years to when my life started crumbling. I moved 5 times in the span of two years. I did not cry at all during any of those moves, because none of the places I was leaving ever really felt like home--they were simply places to lay my head at night.

And now, ten years after my first big move, I'm starting the process with my family. Luke will never remember living here. He won't remember the sounds of the freight train rambling down the tracks, or the ruckus from the neighbors. He won't remember his first Christmas spent in this house. He won't remember the beautiful yellow the maple tree (our only tree) turned each fall. He won't remember the gigantic Rose of Sharon in the front yard, or the rocking chairs on the front porch.

But I will.

Even as I type this, and as much as I have come to loathe living within the city limits, I am tearing up.

This is my home. This is the house that I was able to buy, on my measly teacher's salary, after my life completely fell apart. This is where I started over.

It's where I learned what's really important, where I realized I was (and still am) most definitely in love with Wade, and where I rocked my sweet baby to sleep on countless occasions as I watched him grow from a tiny little baby to a toddler.

On March 21, this is where a "For Sale" sign will be stuck in the front yard, and it is where I will cry like a baby, in spite of myself, when moving day comes.

I do hope that day comes soon.

Strangers

Most people these days don't tend to strike up conversations with complete strangers while out in public, nor do they expect those strangers to be among some of the nicest folks they've ever met. I ran into one of the "not most people" yesterday while at the fabric store.

Waiting at the cutting counter while the woman behind it cut my stack of fabrics into 1-yard lengths, the woman in line behind me commented on what I had chosen.
"What are you making?"
"Aprons," and I smiled.
"Those are perfect fabrics for aprons. They're so happy!"
We continued to chat, and she ascertained that I am a stay-at-home-mom (I had Luke with me). She then proceeded to tell me how refreshing it is to see young people not only sewing and knitting and continuing the "home arts," but also how wonderful it is to see someone my age make the choice to stay home with her children.

Some days, I feel like I've made the wrong choice for the long-term. I am a social person, and I need interaction, even if it's with a bunch of kids in a classroom. Talking to a dog and a baby all day long for days on end does tend to wear on a person, no matter how much that person loves their dog and baby. Other days, I feel like I made the best decision in the world to stay home and raise my son.

That stranger yesterday made me feel it even stronger than I usually do.

I made the right decision.

30

I turned 30 on Monday.

Most people go all out for the big birthdays (21, 25, 30, 40, etc). I did not. My day was spent at home with Luke and Luther, watching the snow come down on us yet again, and hanging out in our pajamas. Luther spent the day naked, for the record. Dirty dog.

Because I had nothing pressing to do, I was left with quite a bit of time to reflect on what's happened over the last 5 years (you know, since my last "big" birthday.

New job. Divorce. New house. New job. New husband. Baby.

On a screen, in black and white, it doesn't look like a whole lot has happened, but anyone who's been through a bad breakup or gone from one job to another will be able to understand what it's like.

Hopefully, in the next 5 years, I'll be able to add "new house" and "baby" to this list again.

I'd like to keep my husband, though. ;)

Parenting Lessons, level 1

Luke is one today. This past year has been one of the most educational years of my entire life.
What did I learn? Well, let me share some of what I picked up over the last 12 months.

I learned...

• that other people's kids, with the exception of nieces and nephews, just aren't as cute as one's own.
• that grandmothers can be just as competitive as mothers.
• that sleep, which I thought I didn't need in mass quantities, is more essential to me than food.
• that very few people can resist a cute little boy whose mother dresses him in Carhartt onesies, jeans, and work boots.
• that a houseful of men who generally can be fairly vulgar can switch to baby-mode in a split second and not think twice about it.
• that babies instinctively know that dogs like table food.
• that dogs know exactly who to be near at mealtime.
• to keep my mouth shut about the neighbor's kids (by the way--they now have four; twin girls were born in August).
• that I had all the answers to parenting issues before I became a parent.
• that people without children seem to know everything there is to know about them (even though they clearly do not!).
• that hormones take a while to balance out after delivery...like, a year or more, in some cases. 
• that my husband is the most patient man on the face of the earth.
• that teething hurts! Those little teeth are sharp!!!
• that it's easiest and most effective to baby proof the house by doing the majority of it before baby comes, and then follow baby around for a week so you can do it right. 
• that routines change as quickly as they develop.
• that nap time is a sacred time...for everyone. 
• that parenthood is not for the faint of heart or feeble-minded. 
• that if it can be picked up, it immediately becomes his new favorite toy. And no, it doesn't matter what "it" happens to be. Shoes, measuring cups, rawhide bones...(don't worry--I don't let him eat those, only the cow femurs. Kidding...).
• which restaurant bathrooms have changing tables and which ones don't. 
• that there is no such thing as a leak-proof diaper, bottle, or sippy cup, no matter what they say. 
• that in everything I do and every decision I make, I immediately think first about how it will affect my son.

I learned much more than what's in this list, but it is late and I should be sleeping. 

Good night, dear reader.